It has been a bad couple of days.
The utter hopelessness of the situations and the eventuality associated with them has been torturing me.
It's like standing on the sea-shore, fighting a war with the sand and the sea.
You try hard to sink your feet into the sand to retain your balance and it just keeps slipping away from underneath your feet. You try hard to regain your balance. You almost manage to do it but just then a wave comes crashing down on you and you fall.
You hope there is something to hold on to, to break your fall. But all you have are the memories to hold on to. And it engulfs you. You try to float on the surface, holding on to it like a log of wood. Instead, it swallows you! Chokes you!
That is the eventuality.
And these few days have seen waves after waves after waves.
But these waves come, crash onto you, go back and then never return. Never.
I watched Finding Neverland the day he passed away. It gave me some solace. But finding solace in a fairytale might be a luxury for my cousin who has just lost his father. Maybe someday I will get myself to explain to him about life in Neverland.
Neverland offered momentary solace.
That is until the day, my Funny Valentine passed away.
Every Valentine's Day I'd get a Valentine's Day card from my 92 year old Valentine. Even when age caught up with him, he made sure he sent it. His hands trembled while he wrote these days. But unsteadiness had never exuded such confidence, as in him. He had trouble reading, but he devoured every new book he got his hands on. They tell me that he would have only suffered more had he lived longer. But rationalization is not helping me cope with the loss of my favourite Valentine. I’m dreading the 14th of February and I wish time would stand still!
I don't know whether I'll be able to stand, fully grounded on the seashore, at one with the sea, admiring the sunset.
But for now, death and sunsets are only painful eventualities to me.
I fail to see the beauty.
I fail to see a happy ending.
I fail to find Neverland.
Such is life. Or is it death?