So I Leave My Boats Behind

One of the first concepts you learn as a student of Economics is that, of trade-off.
A seemingly innocuous word,it is fundamental to the subject in so many ways.In addition to that,it has a deeper philosophical meaning.Tricky concept,I tell you.
Ask the Rolling Stones.They hit the nail on the head.

"You can't always get what you want,
But if you try sometime,you might find,you get what you need."


But then what if my wants and needs are one and the same?

I've got what I wanted for so,so long.And Lord knows,that's what I need too!
I've dreamt of this throughout my undergraduate years.
To study in one of the best departments in India,under some of the most eminent professors,among some of the most intellectual students and in that unbelievable campus where one can break free.Leaving home was implicit to this dream and I hadn't wasted my sleep on that.

But now when I have to go,REALLY GO,the truth hits hard.
Every tiny nook and cranny of my home breaks my heart.
The sofa which I used to bump into everyday,scream out some expletives and get a scolding from Ma on how callous I was.
Those little toys on my bedstead that has borne the brunt of so many of my fits of angers.I broke them and mended them and now it's their turn.
My bed.So many lazy afternoons,rolling and tumbling with a story book in my hand;staying awake the whole night(well,almost) before exams,right from school with heaps of notes and books strewn all over;those long phone calls in the dark;crying myself to sleep;the drama every morning to wake up :it has been there,seen all of that.
My desk,which is NEVER in order,but now.My wardrobe,which made Ma faint everytime she opened it is now empty.
I just have to look around and the tears,they come.

And then there's Ma.
Dad's there too.But the man can cope better.He's gonna eat all the chocolates in the fridge,listen to music all night,be cranky,sleep and snore and give me a zillion phone calls to keep evil and boys at bay and somehow get by.
But Ma.She has always been the 'silent lucidity' type.And I know how difficult it is going to be for her.She has promised to drown herself heart and soul in research,but I know,in the heart of hearts,that's not going to be enough to keep the void away.Just as in my case,a new city,new friends,a new life can never replace her.Where else will I get my Mommycuddle,my punching bag,my greatest inspiration?

There are so many people I'll miss.Funny thing is I didn't even meet all of them on a daily basis.I'll miss Dadu and Didu,although I have a sneaky feeling Didu,as soon as she gets hold of my number,is going to drive me crazy calling me up ten times a day to make sure I haven't accepted food from strangers!!I'll miss my GuruMa,and my music classes.I'll miss riyaaz.I'll miss my hapless driver,my gardener,my neighbours,my walk-in-the-park friends,especially the Dadus.I'll miss my Xerox Aunty.I'll miss the Phuchka man.I'll miss my friends back home: PriD,the marathon phone conversations,the inane text messages,the cold wars,the drunken-library-jaunts and Sumo,the movie sessions,the talks,the questions that made me cringe,the Sumoisms that are so dear to me. I'll also miss the ones who are elsewhere : Oi,Punch,N,Ob.I'll miss my college,beautiful and ancient.The corridors,the rooms,the canteen,Paramount,College Street,Einstein-Xerox Dadu and so on.
I'll miss that particular crust of the sky I see from my window.

I could go on and on about what I'd miss and what I'm leaving behind.
But I would be lying if I said that every now and then,my heart does not give a skip and I don't shiver with excitement thinking of the unknown road ahead.
That is the classic trade-off.
I'll try dealing with it.
How well,time will tell.

I don't know when I'll be blogging again.
Or maybe I'll start a new one.
But this will be a part of me,just as all the things and persons I've mentioned in this post are.

I raise my glass to the old and the new.
With love.

"So I leave my boats behind,
Leave them on familiar shores.
Set my heart upon the deep,
Follow you again my Lord."