Friday, July 1, 2011

I ain't changed,but I know I ain't the same.

A lot of water has flown down the river.
Five leaves grew into thousands.
Earthquakes struck.
Great men fell.
Grass roots swayed.
And I grew up.
And this time,not by number.
But I feel a change coming.
It's the real deal now.
And I am dead scared.
Scintillating,empowering but yes,intimidating.

I grew up.
I walk on the road alert and alone.I don't wait for two friendly hands on either side dragging me.
For those that know me really well,know that deep down,and quite contrary to what comes across,I am an introvert.
I still am.
But I stuck my head out a little out of snow.
I used to be reluctant to talk to unknown people.Hell,even known ones.
And now,I live with and among strangers.
And I get by.Quite well.
It is like sticking your head out of the window of a speeding car and letting the wind kiss your face.
Dangerous but innervating.

I grew up.
Every time I land myself in a fix,I don't call up Mum,Dad,K and cry.
Don't get me wrong.I do cry.A lot.
Just not,to someone.
I,who was mortally scared of travelling alone in my own city,have now ended up going to distant parts of absolutely unknown territory,where strangers speak in a language unknown.
Courage?That is too great a word.
Compulsion would be more apt.
And maybe,supplication.

Yes,I grew up.
I made up my mind about God and all those starry things above.
I am a believer.
Religion,not so much.
But,yes,I took a decision.
To believe.

I grew up.
I found out the hard way,but yes,I now know "when to walk away,know when to run".
I know how and what to gamble.I know the odds.
I am learning to be patient.
And everyday,I surprise myself,by putting up with a bit more than I had expected.

I grew up.
I moved on.
The last string that held us together,yes,I severed it.
What now?You blame me?
Ah,it does not matter anymore my dear.
'We' don't exist anymore.But guess what,permutations do.
I found some good ones.
So I wish you luck.

I grew up.
I see a lizard.
I do not bring down the house.
I cringe,take a deep breath,and try to shoo it away from a distance.
I switch off the light and see its silhouette against the window.
I shudder.
I keep looking.
For a few minutes.
And then,with the sheet covering my face,as my only defense,I sleep.

No,I am not a self-sufficient,independent woman.
I need every single person I banked upon,I turned to at the first sign of distress.
I'd do the same now.
But only if,me and myself did not prove to be enough.

I grew up.
I had a little more faith.
In me.
In my own,weak,doubting,but resilient,self.

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